I would like to talk to everyone today on the topic of suicide. Before I begin this I would like to clarify that I don't have a degree in anything remotely related to mental conditions, in fact I have no degree at all. I don't write to you as a professional, as someone who has studied mental conditions for years and claims to know everything about how the brain works. I write to you as someone who spent years struggling with suicidal depression. I write to you as someone who has experienced the evil of suicidal depression. As someone who has Outlived Suicide!
To me suicide isn't just a word. It isn't just a condition I've studied... it's almost like a relationship. A sick and demented relationship. It's almost as though suicide is a part of me or at least my past. Like a close lover in a ill relationship. I recall my first instance of suicidal thoughts. In 7th grade, up late, staring at my reflection in the mirror telling myself over and over again "You're ugly" and "If your parents knew you were gay they wouldn't love you" tears streaming down my face as I considered drowning myself, considered over dosing, considered hanging myself considered any possible way to end my life. Because no one would ever love me for me. For how I was exactly. I went to a very conservative Christian school, that stressed heavily that gays were an "abomination" The students at the school were particularly vicious. I don't wish to repeat the things that I heard day in and day out as I lived through that hell, and at home my family was equally not accepting. At church my Youth pastor told me I was going to Hell, and I believed her... I thought about it sometimes, many times... but how... how could hell be any worse than what I was already living? People kept telling me that I needed to not be gay and I needed to just ask Jesus to make me not gay, and I did... many times but no matter how hard I tried to pray away the gay it never went away, because God made me this way. How could God make someone one way and then tell them not to be that way, and that if he was he would go to Hell... No. God doesn't make people wrong.
Now take into account that I was extremely overweight and extremely hairy and had absolutely terrible acne that would not heal no matter what I tried. Over all I was destroyed. I stayed like this for years being destroyed and ripped down every day first by those around me and then by myself as they taught me how to think of myself.
Then there were my "friends" people who supported me and always had my back... until I wasn't around then my back was the very place they'd put the knife. I developed so much trust issues. How could I trust people at all. People tell me that I "shouldn't be sad" but gave me every reason to be. I became bitter and resentful. It wasn't until a friend of mine sent me a link to an article about how God might not hate gays that my life began to change. I read the article... it was very large but it was very good. It systematically dismantled all the arguments conservatives use to describe why the Bible was supposedly anti-gay. I read it greedily. For the first time in my life I had read something, on the topic of God and gays, that made sense. It took me a long time before I could believe that God didn't hate gays because of how long I had been programmed to believe that He did. From there on out my belief in God grew stronger and stronger and I started to realize that just because everyone says one thing doesn't mean it's true. Sometimes you are write and everyone else really is wrong. Everyone said I was going to Hell... but they were wrong. They said that God hates gays... but God doesn't hate anyone. If they could be wrong about such obvious things then maybe they were wrong about other things.
By the time I had reached Senior year I took very few of my fellow class mates seriously and they knew it, which made them dislike me more. They thought I was evil, I knew they were just crazy brainwashed hateful children, who would have a very rude awakening when the reached the real world. However I was still alone. At that point in my life I wanted a boyfriend so badly that I would get sick with depression because I believed I could find joy in another person and without another person I would be empty forever. I had regular suicidal thoughts from 7th grade till probably a year after graduation.
Once I graduated so much changed. It was beautiful. So many middle schoolers and high schoolers get so depressed thinking there is nothing beyond highs school... but there is. Looking back I find high school is one of the biggest jokes that I ever had to go through. I know you may be reading this thinking that you are not going to be able to make it through high school or through middle school because graduation seems so far away, and life is a living hell every day. I was there. I went to counseling in 10th grade because I was a wreck and everyone knew it. I would have random break downs where I would just start balling my eyes out in the hall way for no reason... or at least... no reason I could say because to admit you are gay at the school I went to would merit immediate expulsion, and I didn't want that on my record. People knew I was but I always had to pretend I wasn't. It's hard to pretend you're someone you aren't every day.
After graduation I left and didn't look back for years. I was bitter and jaded. So very jaded. It wasn't until a few years that I was able to forgive those who hurt me. Several of my former classmates have messaged me to tell me how sorry they are for how they treated me and it warmed my heart so much. It was such a blessing. I still struggle to forgive sometimes but it's been several years now and it's almost like that was a different life entirely. All the hurt and the struggle that I went through then is now but a distant memory slowly sinking deeper and deeper into the back recesses of my mind. So next time you feel like you can't make it... remember someday the struggle of today will be nothing but a faded memory and you will be so much happier. I spent years of my life crying myself to sleep. I spent years of my life jaded and hurting, thinking that God Himself hated me, years of my life... wanting so badly... to die.... but I'm so glad I lived... let me tell you why.
I graduated. I was free and I never spoke to most of those terrible people again. That horrible horrible dark chapter of my life was over, just as this dark chapter of yours will be over. About 2 months later I got my first boyfriend. Now I am currently single... and I am SO HAPPY. I found out that I actually enjoy being single. Both my parents know and though they might not love it 100% they both still love me 100%. I have lost over 40 pounds and counting. Got rid of the body hair, Acne finally went away! *Thanks Jesus* My confidence is high. The last day of high school a group of younger students admitted to me that they were gay and bisexual and they told me how much I inspired them and now I even have a online following of a few thousand people who look up to me for inspiration... I inspire people with my life... what better way to live! You too can inspire! but you have to live! Live to be the person in the world that you needed to be there for you. By living you could save others lives. All these struggles... they are completely temporary. You have to outlive your trials because they make you stronger and if you refuse to be bitter they will make you beautiful as well. Don't just live but be alive.
Oh and just to clarify if there is any confusion GOD LOVES EVERYONE! INCLUDING GAYS!!! If anyone ever says God doesn't love anyone whether specifically or a group of people, automatically assume this person doesn't know their Bible no matter how much they may claim they do. No matter how many verses they can quote they still don't know the nature of who God is. God is love!
Be proud of who you are... and know that no matter what lies others have told you... or you've told yourself, you ARE important and ARE beautiful and you ARE needed! Never ever ever ever give up on your dreams, or your ambitions or on yourself. Outlive suicide!
Below is the number for the Trevor Project. An organization that offers help and support to those who need help but have nowhere else to turn. They have counselors standing by 24/7 Don't be afraid to call. It could save your life and remember. You ARE important and ARE loved! 866-488-7386
Thank you so much for reading. My name is David and I am a blogger. You can follow me for progress here on my fan page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/David-Zorkocy/211055175491?ref=hl
or follow me on Tumblr at: http://davidzorkboy.tumblr.com/
No comments:
Post a Comment