Columbus: The Magical City

 
Columbus

The Magical City

       Dear Columbus, Let me tell you a little bit about yourself.  I've never actually been to Columbus but it's on my list of potential places to move.  So I've done some research, and thought it would be fun for me to explain to the good people of Columbus what you guys look like to us on the outside.  To grade your PR if you will. So without further adieu... what Columbus looks like based completely off what the internet says about it.

Fun Fact Number One: The sun is always shining in Columbus.

... and I mean always. Upon Googling "Columbus Ohio Skyline" or even "Columbus Ohio" you can see that sunlight is always visible... even at night time the very city itself has a majestic glow. 

Fun Fact Number Two: There is no sin in Columbus...

at all... I once read an article about a Columbus preacher ordering a pizza and the church congregation took an offering and gave the pizza delivery lady a thousand dollar tip... The land is pure jolly. Except for the occasional mass murders.

Fun Fact Number Three: Ohio State is the official religion of Columbus.

No matter what God you worship in Columbus the primary God of everyone in the City is Ohio State.  In fact as a distant observer, I find it mildly frightening but hey whatever works for you. 

Fun Fact Number Four: The economy is apparently invincible.

So if you were to fly to Columbus, you would get off the plane and be greeted by a dozen beautiful women in exotic dresses and robes who would each offer you a different job opportunity to choose from.  From what the internet whispers to me you have jobs on top of jobs. 

Fun Fact Number Five:  Apparently a monkey escaped from the zoo known as the "Minerva Monkey" and he has a very sassy Twitter page. He followed me back... we are practically best buddies at this point. There is room for all of Columbus' animals... right next to the mashed potatoes.

Fun Fact Number Six: Columbus is a great place to "sow your oats"
I hear there is a great night life. Good bar scene. Good restaurant scene. It's just an overall great place to spend your twenties. #YOLO

Fun Fact Number Seven: Your Pride Parades are legendary.  The gays from all across the land make a holy pilgrimage to the sacred city of Columbus to celebrate equality and be overly happy!  It's wonderful!

Fun Fact Number Eight: The rent is hella low.  Which I think is probably one of the best qualities of Columbus.  As a young man looking for a place to live, affordability is quite important to me.  And you guys are on top of it.  Columbus be like...

 

           So overall I rank Columbus at a A+ Keep up the good work awesome people!! You are making Ohio proud.  

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